Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
