Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
