Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
