roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
