New low: just hacked my moms facebook
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
