I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
