I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
