We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
