A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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