There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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