I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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