just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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