we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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