Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
