I met the friendliest cop last night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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