dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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