What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
