You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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