when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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