I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
