my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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