Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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