I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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