the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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