I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
