He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
