the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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