he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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