You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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