I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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