I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My pussy is not your playground.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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