I could have mohawked her pubes.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
