i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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