Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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