So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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