Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
