first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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