Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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