I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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