Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.