I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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