if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
