I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
