i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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