Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
