Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
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My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
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I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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