Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
