My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He felt like a one man threesome
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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