I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
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so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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