I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
whose parrot is this?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
