The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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