never play flip cup with pint glasses
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We are all done wearing pants today
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
