we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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