My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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