I heard we made out
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
