Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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