My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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