I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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